yawn

every day ought to be a bad day to you!

waffles

"BITCH" "BITCH" "BITCH"

The lesbian-neighbor-couple has been fighting. They're bashing eachother into walls and screaming. Half the screams are rage, the other half are pain. They have a kid, there's nothing I can do.

Domestic violence seems so 1990's. I hope we all get over it soon. I hope everyone "gets over" fighting. It is so troubling.

I guess the good thing here is that they can both go to a battered women's shelter.

yes i am sure

edit: wow, it's like eternal sunshine. i blocked him this time, i can't read anything he says to anyone. this can work.

i think i am allowed to say these things on the internet

• just because my life is moving forward does not mean yours is moving backward.
• .

for future reference:

a few years ago, when i told bryan i wanted to be a physics major, he said, "but annie, physics is hard." that's when i realized he was an asshole.

today, i re-realized that he thinks i'm stupid. i wish he didn't keep stupid friends.

pesach

I think I have a yeast infection. I've had it all passover, now it's going away.

THAT is irony.

settling (down)

starting to feel very grown up. i am making many grown-up plans and doing very grown-up things.

i have a definite goal, i will be back home june of next year.

i'm glad i never started calling carson city "home." i never got a nevada driver's license or plate, never registered my address. i took the nevada census and it killed me inside. i still have a disneyland parking pass on my rear view mirror.

what's the difference between "being in denial" and "not wanting to get too comfrotable when i'm going to leave anyway" and where does one draw the line?

"the only thing you've got, you know you're better off without it."

rodents; the fine line

instead of believing that people are rude mice, i will regard them as polite rats.

i think this will improve my life.

My life got a lot easier this weekend.

My name is Annie Saunders. I have a loving boyfriend, a place to live, a 9-5 desk job and a dog.

great!

i feel fantastic as long as i don't really think about anything

ooh, crescent rolls!

I've never had this feeling before... this feeling of genuinely wanting everything I see. I can't see a bunny without going to petsmart and pricing bunnies. I can't see a commercial for yogurt without needing yogurt. I wonder if I'm developing a personality disorder. I wonder what it would be called. I want a personality disorder, now. And a bunny.

Aquarius, February 4th

You may be missing someone you haven't seen for awhile. But are your feelings for this person genuine, or do you just miss the nostalgia that surrounds the relationship? It may be the latter, and that's the problem. Trying to reconnect with someone – be it a friend or romantic partner – may bring you a new set of problems. Think hard before you proceed. If you think you might be trying to recapture an earlier, more carefree time rather than reaching out for the person and the relationship, you need to be more practical. Savor the memory instead.

I have a serious alcohol problem.

wednesday

Today I almost relapsed. I called three boys on the phone instead-- cried and apologized to every one. Is that a type of relapse? I think I should have watched vicodin fizz in champagne instead.

priority: low

i always want to run away forever and start over. i should stop doing everything wrong.

to love and to be loved

i don't think i am supposed to do either of those things right now.


i've lost my sense of self, whatever that means. i don't feel feelings or enjoy things, i don't plan to Do Things or Go Anywhere. i don't empathize with people anymore, on any level. i only empathize with fictional characters now, because the caricatures of real imperfect people with real flaws is something i can relate to more than my real friends with slight flaws and big mouths.

i am supposed to be alone right now, i know it. at this point in my life, at 21, i am supposed to be going to college and preparing myself for a career. that career can then help me begin to prepare for the rest of my life, and a possible family and maybe even a husband.

i am doing things backward.

self realization number 9

I avoid being truly intimate because I fear abandonment. I only date people who "need" me so that I can be the one to leave.

the mean reds

feeling absolutely terrible. really starting to question the validity of my emotions.

this is a story all about how

my life got flipped, turned upside-down

things i am doing.

My name is Annie, I love making lists.
I mean...

• My name is Annie
  
• I love making lists.
  

THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE:

• I am learning to play the ukulele.
• I am going to pay off my credit card.
• I am going to put money in my savings account.
• I am going to stop spending the money in my savings account on burgers and shoes.
• I am going to be a decent and persistent pen pal to Susie, Roxi, Bryan, Drake, Julie, Josh and Kimberly.
• I will decide to either reach for the stars or settle (when it comes to a career) and continue accordingly.
• I will call my mom every Saturday at 12:06.
• I will wear dresses and makeup more often than not, and stop looking lazy.
• I am going to be a better friend to Julie.

THIS YEAR WILL BE LIKE LAST YEAR BECAUSE:

• I will promise to sculpt and draw, but never get around to it.
• I will try to lose weight and tone up but I will not.
• I will save money, then spend all but $30 per check on traveling to Los Angeles.
• I will bottle my feelings to the point of explosion, then never explain myself.

this has nothing to do with the new year

But I want to be a better version of myself. Every one of my flaws has been amplified these past few weeks.
I want to be flawless.