to love and to be loved

i don't think i am supposed to do either of those things right now.


i've lost my sense of self, whatever that means. i don't feel feelings or enjoy things, i don't plan to Do Things or Go Anywhere. i don't empathize with people anymore, on any level. i only empathize with fictional characters now, because the caricatures of real imperfect people with real flaws is something i can relate to more than my real friends with slight flaws and big mouths.

i am supposed to be alone right now, i know it. at this point in my life, at 21, i am supposed to be going to college and preparing myself for a career. that career can then help me begin to prepare for the rest of my life, and a possible family and maybe even a husband.

i am doing things backward.