priority: low

i always want to run away forever and start over. i should stop doing everything wrong.

to love and to be loved

i don't think i am supposed to do either of those things right now.


i've lost my sense of self, whatever that means. i don't feel feelings or enjoy things, i don't plan to Do Things or Go Anywhere. i don't empathize with people anymore, on any level. i only empathize with fictional characters now, because the caricatures of real imperfect people with real flaws is something i can relate to more than my real friends with slight flaws and big mouths.

i am supposed to be alone right now, i know it. at this point in my life, at 21, i am supposed to be going to college and preparing myself for a career. that career can then help me begin to prepare for the rest of my life, and a possible family and maybe even a husband.

i am doing things backward.

self realization number 9

I avoid being truly intimate because I fear abandonment. I only date people who "need" me so that I can be the one to leave.

the mean reds

feeling absolutely terrible. really starting to question the validity of my emotions.

this is a story all about how

my life got flipped, turned upside-down

things i am doing.

My name is Annie, I love making lists.
I mean...

• My name is Annie
  
• I love making lists.
  

THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE:

• I am learning to play the ukulele.
• I am going to pay off my credit card.
• I am going to put money in my savings account.
• I am going to stop spending the money in my savings account on burgers and shoes.
• I am going to be a decent and persistent pen pal to Susie, Roxi, Bryan, Drake, Julie, Josh and Kimberly.
• I will decide to either reach for the stars or settle (when it comes to a career) and continue accordingly.
• I will call my mom every Saturday at 12:06.
• I will wear dresses and makeup more often than not, and stop looking lazy.
• I am going to be a better friend to Julie.

THIS YEAR WILL BE LIKE LAST YEAR BECAUSE:

• I will promise to sculpt and draw, but never get around to it.
• I will try to lose weight and tone up but I will not.
• I will save money, then spend all but $30 per check on traveling to Los Angeles.
• I will bottle my feelings to the point of explosion, then never explain myself.

this has nothing to do with the new year

But I want to be a better version of myself. Every one of my flaws has been amplified these past few weeks.
I want to be flawless.