devastated

absolutely devastated.

if

if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up...

*when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up.

i wanted to be alone.

you're late!

no one will ever love me on time.

boys would rather pine over me or complain about me than be in love with me. it kills me.

do i know what kind of love i want to feel? am i not getting it? will i ever get it? is anyone except for me capable of loving another person with their entire heart, with the best intentions and the utmost care?

if all i have in the end of all of this is myself, i will be so upset. i will never love myself as much as i can love another person.

if i invested as much emotion and effort into myself and my own well being as i do for other people, my life would be so much better. i would be so much happier.

one day, i'm making someone the happiest they've ever been in their entire lives, and the next day, the saddest. i guess that's what love is? making people sad?

everyone who loves me, and everyone who has ever loved me is just sad about it.

if just the news of me moving out is making him feel so terrible, how will he take it when i break up with him? i can't do it, i can't stand to make people that upset.

nevada.

nevada seems like the most likely option. i would demote to seasonal, i'll be back here in late may! that's not too long at all.

also i might have to ask for julie's mom's permission. i don't think that will be an issue.

all i know is that i will not be paying rent here for the month of march. that is for sure.

options.

i have several options.

1. keep my job and move back in with my mom.
2. quit my job (or demote myself to Seasonal) and move in with my dad in oregon.
3. demote myself to seasonal or quit and move to nevada with julie's mom.
4. keep my job and move with julie, and pay her dad some rent. (but not 450 dollars!)
5. keep my job, stay here, be BFFLz with chris and keep paying rent.
   

all of these require me to ask for some kind of permission from people. the last thing i want to do is ask for help!

the only thing i need is help.

i need to figure something out. anything, really!

new blog.

adam got a hold of the old one and there is no way to take that from him.

anyway, i'm unhappy.