"staying here forever"

I miss home now more than I ever have. Maybe it's just the holidays...

I know there is nothing for me here. This is just filler, I'm saving up money to move back home. Right? I have nothing saved up. Really, absolutely nothing. If I don't take this seriously, I will end up staying here forever.

i will never understand you, part 63

"your life seems to be going well, i don't want to ruin it."
"you don't care."

AIM

the entire conversation, i had this on my clipboard

"you're a lot more educated than i am, but i enjoy listening to you talk about this because i feel like i am learning."

waiting for the perfect time to use it. there it was. shit there's another chance. waiting for the perfect moment...

"is something wrong?"

no, i'm fine

SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY SO GAY.

enthusiasm

i've noticed that as i read facebook statuses and tweets and look at my friend's pictures, that i am absolutely disgusted by enthusiasm. the stronger their enthusiasm, the more disgusted i am.

wearing team colors with their mascot painted on your face? smiling at a wedding? giving a thumbs-up in front of a national landmark? i hate you probably.

all caps? exclamation points? a "WooHoo!!" at the end of your tweet? having an anniversary with "the boy?" oh my god, it's almost your 21st birthday? i hate you too, probably.

that's why i am never enthusiastic about anything anymore. (disneyland excluded.)

"annie, i love you."

"but you don't know me that well, it's been two years."
"how have you changed?"
"..."

now

i want to run away from home.

weekend

friday:
got drunk
went to a haunted house

saturday:
took kaufman to the vet
saw toy story 1 & 2 in 3D
thought about taking kaufman to the vet again
ordered pizza

sunday:
paid bills
it snowed
online shopping
bought kaufman a cone
shower & sleep

( )

if i were punctuation, i would be parentheses. and no, not because of that song by the blow. and not because only having one makes you feel awkward and unsettled.

Parentheses (singular, parenthesis) contain material that could be omitted without destroying or altering the meaning of a sentence.

i feel as though when i was born, i emitted a quiet "("

and when i die, my death rattle will sound suspiciously like a ")"

i think there is a goddamned baby inside of me.

edit: false alarm what's new. for future reference, this happens on the 28th.

I MISS YOGURTLAND

star chart, for my own reference.

Name: Annie Saunders
February 16 1988
9:16 PM Time Zone is PST
Downey, CA

Rising Sign is in 14 Degrees Libra
Very attractive and popular, your charm helps you to get your own way and prevents others from getting angry with you. "Peace and harmony at all costs" is your battle cry. You always try to ameliorate or to cosmetically hide any physical ugliness or any angry feelings between people. Flashy, but not gaudy, you prefer to dress elegantly. You generally have good taste in music, art and literature. Beware of the tendency to compromise yourself in your attempt to be agreeable at all times. A bit of a social butterfly, at times you can be vain and lazy. For the most part, however, you are gracious and affectionate, and your refined and aristocratic demeanor serves as a role model to others.

Sun is in 27 Degrees Aquarius.
You get bored with the status quo and are generally open to new things and ideas. An individualist and a free spirit, your friends are quite important to you as long as they do not try to tie you down by making too many emotional demands on you. Your thoughts are offbeat and you're a bit eccentric, but not always very changeable. As a matter of fact, you can be quite stubborn at times. Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals. Extremely objective, with good powers of observation, you would be qualified to study technical and complicated subjects, like science, computers or maybe even astrology.

Moon is in 21 Degrees Aquarius.
Very freedom-oriented, you must always be able to do what you wish, no matter what. You become stubborn and recalcitrant when others try to force you into a mold. You are a true democrat -- you are not a follower, but you enjoy being with those who are like-minded. You appreciate emotional self-control -- you practice it yourself and you look for it in others. You solve problems, including emotional ones, with your brains and intellect, not your feelings. Try to be tolerant of those who have powerful and obvious emotional responses -- not everyone is as objective, cool, dispassionate and detached as you are.

Mercury is in 15 Degrees Aquarius.
You tend to be very opinionated -- you have strongly felt notions about things and are quite vocal about expressing and defending them. Yet you are also an original thinker -- you enjoy shocking others with your offbeat, original thoughts. You appreciate and need mental and intellectual stimulation. Your judgment is usually fair and impartial -- you can be a good critic because you can remain objective and unemotional about most things.

Venus is in 09 Degrees Aries.
You are a very affectionate person but you hate to be tied down. You are more than willing to be the aggressor in initiating new relationships. Indeed, once you have set your sights on someone, you tend to pursue him or her ardently and passionately. But you do demand your own way in a relationship. Try to give in to your partner's needs and desires once in a while.

Mars is in 26 Degrees Sagittarius.
Your every action is motivated by high moral standards and ideals. You will work very hard to improve the lot of the world at large, but you demand action about it -- you do not like to just sit around and talk about doing it in an abstract manner. You like to be where the real action is. You resist mightily any attempts to limit your freedom and you will assist anyone who feels put down and restricted. You are extremely restless by nature -- physical exercise is very important to you if you would maintain your health.

Jupiter is in 26 Degrees Aries.
The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly.

Saturn is in 00 Degrees Capricorn.
Very serious-minded and mature, you have the ability to take on responsibilities and to carry out important duties. You can also be trusted to be extremely practical and thrifty. A good organizer, you are the ideal one to be counted on to take a clearly defined project through to its logical conclusion. An achiever, you pride yourself on your ability to focus your attention totally on some worthy goal and then attain it.

Uranus is in 00 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.

Neptune is in 09 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 12 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 23 Degrees Pisces.
You're attracted to others who need your assistance. You seem to go out of your way to form relationships with those who are weak, sick, injured, addicted or troubled in some way or other. At your best you can indeed provide the relief that others need. But at times you can be victimized by those who would prey on your good nature and take advantage of you. This can lead to all sorts of negative situations -- make sure that those you assist are truly worthy of your time, energy and commitment. A little enlightened self-protectiveness on your part can make your life work much, much smoother!

too private.

i stopped being able to type the things i think about.

can we have pancakes for dinner?

drinking

drinking 5 out of 7 nights.

no, i'm fine. thanks.

to love and to be loved

i wish i were any of the people i loved.

all of you are constantly loved, cared for. i'm always trying to make sure you are happy and comfortable and well taken care of. no one can ever do this for me and i don't ever expect anybody to.

i would trade places with any of you in a heartbeat.

that's it!

no one can be your true friend if they have the wrong emotions fully invested in you.

But let's talk about our coy romance
Doesn't it seem like it's always been here?
Love I mean, love I mean
Walking around bumping into things
I try to say ,"Hi," I end up making you cry
True friends don't want to do things like that
True friends don't want to do things like

a question i never thought i would ask: why can't bryan be more like robert?

cancel it? for me?

the nicest, sweetest, most caring thing he said to me all month, possibly year was:
"i'll cancel my raid tonight if you think 'having a long talk' is important."

WEARING HIM DOWN! yesssss!

"miss you!"

am i too affectionate to my platonic guy friends?

is it on purpose? oh no

who's the leader of the pack

worst night of dress-up ever.

8-24-04

august 24th, 2004.

"busy"

julie is not going to visit me at the end of the month like she said she would....

watch!

please be true IRL

i was so much older then

i'm younger than that, now.

i am obsessed with my nails, and hell-bent on moving back home.

carsoncityland

this is not where i want to be, that's the only thing i am sure of anymore. am i doing this to myself? have i painted this place as being so awful, why have i done that? can i paint my way out of it?

we'll buy a couch and an oven mitt and some paintings and some coffee table books, and that will make this home, right? it's that easy. maybe this piece of art will remind of us home, maybe this lamp, maybe this jar will remind us of home.

home is where the heart is, right? is my home full of animatronics? full of cinnamon-sugar and fiberglass. landmark after landmark, one important, historic building after another. new buildings painted to look old, old buildings painted to look new, tiny versions of steamboats, tinier versions of mountains, tiny plastic rainbows under fiber optic stars. you take twenty steps, the music fades out of one ear, and into the other ear and you're in another world entirely. the paved sidewalks are gravel, are wooden planks, are dirt, are pavement again. each turnstile marks the end of waiting, the beginning of something amazing, something completely different.

is none of that real? is all of it? am i waiting in a line? you never see the turnstile until it's right in front of you, but when you see it, you know the wait is almost over. i guess i shouldn't try to anticipate it.

my heart was there, at the top of a mint julep, sitting by a fountain next to a haunted mansion. my heart is there still, stabbed with a bamboo sword and sinking to the bottom.

sober annie

SCULPT AND DRAW

blog post in plain d

"All is gone, all is gone, admit it, take flight.
I gagged twice, doubled, tears blinding my sight.
My mind it was mangled, I ran into the night
Leaving all of love's ashes behind me.

The wind knocks my window, the room it is wet.
The words to say I'm sorry, I haven't found yet.
I think of her often and hope whoever she's met
Will be fully aware of how precious she is."

(i wish anyone i've ever loved would feel any of this.)

wedding epiphany #3

i just saw a friend's picture on facebook. it was titled "kenna's wedding" and it was a picture of a girl in a windsor dress dancing with a red bull in her hand.

if you think red bull at a wedding is a good idea, you are too young to be married.

the blameless vestal's lot

watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind has never been so depressing

"I think if there's a truly seductive quality about Clementine, it's that her personality promises to take you out of the mundane. Amazing, burning meteorite... will carry you to another world where things are exciting. But what you quickly learn is that... it's really an elaborate ruse. So flashy in an obvious sort of way, but still, it seduces you. Where's the real Clementine?"

"No, I don't think her sex is... motivated. I saw it clearly the last night we were together. It wasn't sex. It was just sad. The only way Clem thinks she can get people to like her is to fuck 'em... or at least dangle the possibility of getting fucked in front of 'em. And she's so desperate and insecure that she'll, sooner or later, go around fucking everybody."

"I'm not perfect."
"I can't see anything that I don't like about you. Right now, I can't."
"But you will. But you will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me."

:)

i'm so fucking glad i moved out.

it's like paying 650 a month for happiness insurance.

lumps

when will i stop being on the verge of tears?

not
at work.
driving.
at the bank.
on the
internet.

THEBESTTHEBEST

the best part about this is having all this space on my bookshelf!

the worst part about this is being really hateful and mean to everyone around me because of it.

fuck you

i hate you, too.

spanish harlem incident

"i've got to know babe, will you surround me?
so i can know if i am really real."

that line always catches my ear when i'm casually listening to the song.

rock paper ctrl+x

i got way too personal in my paper journal today. i guess if i can't do it there, where can i? it's weird having a tangible diary, though. it's not my first, but it's weird to know that if i throw it away, it's out there somewhere. i guess i can burn it after i stop having feelings.

speaking of feelings, i've never felt this awful and this great at the same time.

springtime/summer

let's have a picnic in the grassy part of the median. cars will pass by and see that we're happy.

it's a good idea, we can dress fancy.

crocodile rock

when we don't live a county away, we share a bed. a county away feels like another planet to me. it's kind of nice, though. for him.

"the further away, the fuzzier your face.
the harder to make out your less desirable traits.
when i'm looking at you through a telescopic lens,
it's easier for me to use my imagination.
but when i'm looking at you through a microscopic lens,
that's when it's harder for me to pretend
that i still think it would be great if you lived in a different state."

why?

my limbs are ghosts trying to untangle knots

internet

i have only allowed myself 15 minutes of time on the internet. on firefox. i'll be on aim all night but that's different.

i need to get things done! this gives me less time to be idle and possibly lurk adam's twitter, and more time to drink tea and take a bath and read murakami and clean my room.

i only have 9 minutes left! but i already did everything i wanted to. 4chan it is!

california.

i did not enjoy my trip to california.

day 4

i have gone four days without bringing up some funny story from my past with chris.

it bores him and he can't relate to the outlandish characters.

LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY OF MY PASSOVER 2005, PLEASE! COME ON IT'S RELEVANT, PASSOVER IS TOMORROW!

i keep wanting to bring up funny things that happened with robert alarcon. why?

ouch!

my hand slipped on the watch machine, and i started bleeding twice today. both times, i was thinking about bryan.

"You okay there, Annie?"
"Yeah, my hand just slipped."

today, i will eat a piece of cake in the bathtub.

april 12th-20th

"i am going to visit california the 12th through the 20th."

i am cutting my trip short by three days because no one likes me anyway. i have a feeling that people won't exactly be scrambling to hang out with me. at least i'll get to see josh, and give julie bryan's stuff & her peter pan sticker. she'll be pretty happy about that.

april 13th through 18th.

edit, april 19th:
i left friday night, the 17th.

aside from work:

i make so much money.

oh ASIDE aside.

i will save all of this money to go back home and stay there forever.

oh my gosh look at all this stuff on eBay.

job

i don't like doing things i'm not already good at. i guess everyone is this way, but i really really am this way.

my job is just full of doing things i'm not already good at, which is not what i signed up for. i'll get the hang of it, and this job is panning out to be tolerable.

i just listen to the bird and the bee and inspect the cleanliness of glass.

how could i do this to myself?

i must really want to be miserable.

dreams

i should go to sleep, maybe i will dream that i am back at home, and everything is back to the way it is supposed to be.

i always have a lump in my throat.

my mouth is moving

nothing comes out.

more adventures in e-mail

Dear 7-year-old E-Commerce company:
I hope I'm not too late, this job sounds perfect! My name is Annie Saunders. I'm a 21-year-old web designer that just moved here from Anaheim, California. I'll answer all of the job specifications in a helpful, bullet format.

...

(Then I go on for about a thousand words about how I am the best person for the job. And I am right, and I am very cute about it the whole time.)

...

This is probably the longest e-mail I have ever written, and probably the longest you have ever received. I hope you read all of it, although I don't blame you if you've reached this point by skimming. I hope you take me into consideration, I know I'm young and not very experienced, but that just means I haven't been corrupted by other employers. Tabula rasa! A blank slate, how refreshing, right?
Sincerely,
Annie Saunders, enthusiastic, qualified applicant.

---

[edit]
i got the job. now i do tech support for a camera-lens-attachment company.

email reply.

dear dave altman:
your wife has not been receiving your recent e-mails. a 21 year old girl that lives in nevada has.
love,
annie saunders.

ps: have fun on your vacation in italy, 176 euros really is an exceptional rate for the room you are getting.

---

edit: i got a reply!

Opps…thanks Annie

Dave Altman

D. David Altman Co. LPA

it doesn't help

i got a haircut
i bought shoes
i bought clothes
i bought food
i drove
i got a manicure
it doesn't help
it doesn't help

she doesn't want to be here

don't wory, you'll be home soon enough. you'll be away from this terrible place.

and i won't.

things i want part 1.

i want these shoes.

why am i writing i have been drinking for hours Remember to capitalize and punctuate.

Dear Lauren:

In reply to your letter: Yes, you were right. I hate life. Did I hate life back in Los Angeles? To the best of my knowledge, I did. I really thought I did. I didn't have enough money and I was incapable of giving anyone my love in a real capacity. In reply to your letter: No. I don't know exactly what it is I want, but you know that. You knew all along that I would never find out what I want. Did you mean in terms of a career, and my future in terms of work? Well, Lauren, I don't think of my life as work. Life isn't work. You work to live, you don't work and live at the same time. The closest thing I can think of to working and living at the same time is Imagineering. I don't care if you haven't heard of it, look it up. It's all I want, I swear to God. That or making neon, or toys, but I have to weigh my passion and how lucrative it will be and the job market and fiscal blah blah blah with it. My life in terms of life, of living? No, I don't know what I want. I want to be married in five years, and I want to be with someone who loves me in a sincere way, and will do so until I die. So no, I don't know exactly what any of that means, but those are the words that came out, and they work well enough for what I'm trying to say.

What do you mean? Who do you think you are? In case you don't know why I started off this paragraph so angrily, I'll quote you. "What do you want? If you find out, will you still want it?" What is that supposed to mean? Will I just figure out what I want so that I can change it? I'd like to think that I haven't built up such a reputation for flightiness. I'm not scared of commitment to anything. We're not talking about relationships here, at least I'm not. I honestly wish I would have figured out what I wanted out of high school, I would be there by now-- or at least a good part of the way there. I've kept a blank slate, and I assure you that it has been intentional. I am consistently making mistakes and going back on my word. A suitable career must be found, then I'll make my first step. I have to find something I'm good at, but there's no money in upsetting people. Not in the ways that I upset people, at least. People meaning boys. Boys meaning you-know-who and what's-his-name, and everyone I have ever met.

What is it you want? What makes you so sure that going to college is the right thing for you to be doing, huh? Excuse my italicization, but it would serve you well to imagine that I'm there, pointing a finger at you and italicizing right in your face. What if you decide that you don't want to do math forever? Math can be applied in a lot of different ways, and it never changes, so you got lucky there. But is math your passion? Are you learning to work, working to live, living to learn and learning more about your work? I'll stay right here then, at my little desk with little toys on it. I will never hate my life as much as you have to pretend to enjoy yours, for the sake of your parents and tuition and employers. I don't mean to go all anarcho-punk on you, but your life doesn't seem very fulfilling to me. Is my life fulfilling? No. It was when I was in Los Angeles, that's for sure. I came out here to get a clerical job, save a lot of money and go back to the place I love with a nice cushion of money to stay afloat on. College is sprinkled in there somewhere, maybe in both parts. Congratulations on graduating soon, by the way. I know I wasn't invited, but don't expect me at the ceremony. It's much too far and I don't want to celebrate your mediocre achievement. Remember when I graduated high school? You were there and my mother was there, but only because she insisted. Why do we celebrate these things? I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

It's always a pleasure to hear from you, although our exchanges always end up with one of us pointing a finger and one of us curled up in the fetal position. I'm glad it was my turn to point, I was getting tired of the secure position of an unborn child in its mother's womb. I don't know how I remained that way for almost a year.

Love,
Annie.

lemons

when life gives you lemons

i hate life.

hello there.

i should never be allowed to love. i swear to god i want to die right now

waking up.

i go out there, and tom goes "good morning! you alive and well?"
"yeah i've been awake for an hour."
"well, you didn't tell me."
"i didn't think i had to."
"well, you could have."

the melon-ball bounce.

what makes a melon ball bounce?
a melon ball bounce?
a melon ball bounce?
what makes a melon ball bounce?
the ice tart taste of sprite.

sprite makes the melon ball bounce.
the melon ball bounce
the melon ball bounce
sprite has the tingle that counts
make a melon ball bounce with sprite!

make a melon ball fizz with sprite.
make a melon ball punch with sprite.
make a melon ball float with sprite.
make a melon ball boat with sprite.

imagine what you can do with sprite!
create something new with sprite.
with a melon, and a scoop, and a bottle of sprite,
you can make the prettiest drinks in sight!

sprite has the tingle that counts.
ice tart taste makes any drink bounce.
why not start with the melon ball bounce?
buy a carton of sprite tonight!

oh, honeydewwwwww!

art

not yet, i'll get around to it. i'm adjusting.

if i wait until i'm done adjusting, then i'll never do anything!

still hate it.

everything about this place. i'd love to just be 28 year old annie, wherever i am then. i don't know, not here.

nevada

i hate it here

doing this was a bad idea.

Name: Annie
Date: 2/22/2009
Colorgenics Number: 50762314

---

You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.

i dont wanna go.

I DON'T WAAAAANNNNAAAAAAA.

i want to run away from everyone i know, but i'm afraid that people that meet whoever it is i am now won't like me. i feel like people only like the memory of whoever i was at 16 or 17.

what do you mean by that

what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that what do you mean by that 

something else.

i always have the feeling there is somewhere else i'm supposed to be, someone else i'm supposed to be with, something else i have to be doing.

i'm always right. and from the looks of what's to come, i will always be right.

"aftermath"

does that mean it's over? calling something "aftermath" means that the thing that happened is over. right? jesus christ i hope so.

if adam wants to go around thinking i'm so terrible, fine. he's lying to himself, he really is. none of those things about me are true. whatever helps him sleep at night, i guess.

it's upsetting me.

devastated

absolutely devastated.

if

if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up if we break up...

*when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up when we break up.

i wanted to be alone.

you're late!

no one will ever love me on time.

boys would rather pine over me or complain about me than be in love with me. it kills me.

do i know what kind of love i want to feel? am i not getting it? will i ever get it? is anyone except for me capable of loving another person with their entire heart, with the best intentions and the utmost care?

if all i have in the end of all of this is myself, i will be so upset. i will never love myself as much as i can love another person.

if i invested as much emotion and effort into myself and my own well being as i do for other people, my life would be so much better. i would be so much happier.

one day, i'm making someone the happiest they've ever been in their entire lives, and the next day, the saddest. i guess that's what love is? making people sad?

everyone who loves me, and everyone who has ever loved me is just sad about it.

if just the news of me moving out is making him feel so terrible, how will he take it when i break up with him? i can't do it, i can't stand to make people that upset.

nevada.

nevada seems like the most likely option. i would demote to seasonal, i'll be back here in late may! that's not too long at all.

also i might have to ask for julie's mom's permission. i don't think that will be an issue.

all i know is that i will not be paying rent here for the month of march. that is for sure.

options.

i have several options.

1. keep my job and move back in with my mom.
2. quit my job (or demote myself to Seasonal) and move in with my dad in oregon.
3. demote myself to seasonal or quit and move to nevada with julie's mom.
4. keep my job and move with julie, and pay her dad some rent. (but not 450 dollars!)
5. keep my job, stay here, be BFFLz with chris and keep paying rent.
   

all of these require me to ask for some kind of permission from people. the last thing i want to do is ask for help!

the only thing i need is help.

i need to figure something out. anything, really!

new blog.

adam got a hold of the old one and there is no way to take that from him.

anyway, i'm unhappy.